Thursday, 27 September 2012

Things not to start a sentence with AKA thoughts from a previous call centre existence.

  1. I'm not being mean/rude/insert pejorative here but...”
    You are, you know. You're just being a coward about it. Either don't say it (really – just don't) or at least have the guts to stand by your words.

  1. To be honest with you...”
    So you're about to lie to my face. Telling me you're not just means I'm expecting it. What are you, five?

  1. You know me, I'm not one to make a fuss...”
    Yes, I do. Yes, you are.

  1. I know you're on lunch, but...”
    Unless the next part of that sentence is either “Yip-de-feckin'-do, we won the lottery!” or “the office is on fire!” I won't be listening so you might as well save your breath.

  1. I'm not having a go at you, love...”
    You're going to scream at me for 20 minutes – what else would you call it? And kudos for the casual chauvinism, by the way. The 70's called – they want their macho back.

  1. I want to speak to your boss – he'll understand...”
    Holy sexism, Batman! Apart from the obvious, there were two problems with this:
      I. My boss was similarly deficient in the testicle department.
      ii. Neither of us found this affected our ability to fix phones. I mean, do penises come with a camp-on attachment??

  1. An interruption. ANY interruption.
    Well, apart from 'Duck!' maybe. I'm actually trying to help you. Could you please let me finish before you scream/cry/start a dirty protest.

  1. Am I talking to a human...?”
    I get it- - honestly I do. I hate going through those automated systems too. But one of these days, the temptation is going to be just too much and I'm going to reply, “No, my name is Wrtzfukle from the planet Ayseedee and I'm here to impregnate you digitally with my young. What? You thought only humans did outsourcing?” Fun while it lasts but the last call I'd ever take. Please don't be that person. 

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